Sydney

Sydney loves to be on stage. Here are a couple video clips of her singing at church tonight in a musical written by my brother Rob called Life School Musical.

The Light

I was lying on the couch this morning while Hogan got ready for school and I was looking at the back door. I was thinking about the sun coming in though the door and how I could close the blinds to block it out and it would be so dark...then I could sleep more! It made me think about Jesus being the light, our light and do we treat him with blinds. We can shut the blinds and have no Jesus in our lives. We can block out all he is trying to do in our lives, because it might hurt a little to follow him? We can close the blinds just a little so only a little light filters into our lives. We get just as much of Jesus as we want, just enough to feel the love but not enough to feel compelled to obey him. Or do we open the blinds fully and let him in to shine in us and through us so that others can see the Light too. Open to all the joy, love, and pain that may come but also open for all the blessings God will bestow. Just a thought. I think it is painful to be open but the only way to truly follow Jesus!

Arise, Shine!

"Arise, shine for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See darkness covers the earth and thick is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you." Isaiah 60:1-2

This verse has always been special to me because my mother used to wake us up with it. She would fling up the shade and say, "arise, shine for thy light has come Isaiah 60:1" That was all I had ever read of the verse until tonight. Our worship minister brought this verse to us tonight during a devotional time, talking about times of depression and discourgement. Jesus is our light and he has come for us.

There are so many times when I feel the weight of this world and the things of this world pressing down. I have to remember that we are God's children, he is with us aalways and his glory will shine through us and bring his light to this dark world. Just as the sun rises each morning, God brings his light new to us each morning so that we can go out and be his light.

I want to shine God's light and I pray he will give me opportunities to share his love with the world.

Yo-yos and living sacrifices.

It has been summer - and summer means no schedule, travel, relaxing by the pool, friends and fun. As I went through this summer it hit me that I felt like a yo-yo in my spiritual life. It is so easy to swing away from God in the midst of fun and sun - caught up in my own desires. Just as the one holding the yo-yo has to draw the yo-yo back up that is the way I feel God draws me back to him from my selfish ways.

Heading back to school means getting back on a schedule, Bible study on Tuesdays and church again on Wednesdays...more communion with God, intentional time with God that is so easy to slide away from in the summer. This week in Bible study we were in Romans. The verse "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:1-2 The lady teaching asked if we knew the problem with living sacrifices? They crawl off the altar! That is what I feel like I have done and am back on the altar ready to offer my life as a living sacrifice for God to do with what he wants. I loved that picture of crawling off the altar. It is so easy to do, but also easy to crawl right back up there - ready to live for God.

Family

I have thought a lot about family in recent weeks. A few weeks ago three friends of ours had parents die within a few days of each other. As we sat through each of these funerals we listened to the families share their memories, laughter, tears and love. Each family is different and it made me so appreciative to have mine. This last weekend we got to be with my aunt and uncle in Dallas and my cousin who spent much time at our house growing up. It was so much fun to think back on our memories - the good and the bad. We laughed so hard and we enjoyed watching the next generation of cousins playing together. My favorite line is what Hogan told his best friend when we got home. When asked what we did in Dallas he replied " we ate the whole time!" As you can guess we were with the Howard's. It was all about the taste! (and my Uncle Jerry is the king of BBQ!!!)

Tonight I went to my first meeting of a different kind of family - the Family Advisory Council at Children's Healtcare of Atlanta - Scottish Rite. This is a committee I was asked to be on. We are going to be working to "advance family-centered services and support through the NICU policies, practices and procedures". As I walked out of my meeting I was hit with a wave - an overwhelming wave of grief. I have been back up to the hospital several times and really do fine most of the time. Sp this hit me out of the blue! Maybe it was reliving our experiences there or maybe it is just a relief to be helping through my experience. It was so good to be able to call a grieving friend who is part of my family - the family of God. We can also laugh together, cry together and share memories but we can also share the knowledge and joy that parts of our family are in heaven. Whatever the family God has provided here on earth, it is such a comfort to know we have a family beyond this earth led by a heavenly father. We rest in the love of Jesus and the overwhelming power He has, yet he cares about every little detail of our lives.

Celebrate

Today we celebrate one year since the end of Luke's life here on earth and the beginning of his life in heaven. It has been a year of tears, a year of missing but also a year to celebrate God's goodness. He provides all we need in every situation and we are so thankful. I just always come back to Psalm 139 which was one of my dad's favorites. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful, I know that full well.My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God created each one of us to be special and to be His children. We trust in the knowledge that God has a plan for our lives and we know it will be best for us. A friend recently sent a poem to me written by a young girl with cancer. It talks about how we need to take the time to sit and listen to the rain, to dance, to play with our kids, to help someone instead of hurrying on our way...life is too short to wish we had taken the time to do and appreciate the small things. I want to remember that in the busyness of each day.

New Baby...

We got a new baby last week. Not the kind of baby I want, but the kind you get when you have a brief moment of insanity. You walk in the PetSmart to get tick medicine and see that it is adoption day. You hear your kids start begging to look at the puppies..."sure you can look". This leads to lots of begging because the little black one is so cute. Then you let them call their dad to see what he will say. His words? "What do you think?" Then you hear your voice answer I guess we could get him. Then with kids bouncing off the walls you race home to see if you have a crate and a gate then quickly call the pet rescue lady to see if she will hold the little black puppy and a few hours later and much paperwork later you have a new addition to the family. I had quite a few moments this week where I wondered how in the world I let this happen, but he is really cute and pretty good (if the kids remember to take him out) and I figured out he can make it from 12 am til 6:45 am without going out because his sleepy mom accidently didn't hear the alarm at 3 am! His name is Duke and he has had a hard life already so we are going to give him a loving home.

Praying

This is a button that links to a website of a wonderful family. Their youngest child, Stellan should not have lived to be born according to the doctors. He was born five months ago totally healthy. Last weekend his heart went into SVT which is what it was doing in the womb. If you want to read their story and pray for Stellan that would be great.

I follow a lot of blogs but just now in following Stellan through this day to day, minute to minute struggle do I think I understand what some of you went through in following Luke's journey. I check the computer a couple times a day to see if there are changes and what to pray about. I don't know this family, but feel I do through their blog. I prayed for Stellan before he was born and was so thrilled to hear of the miracle God did in his life, that he was born and has had five healthy months. It is so exciting to see God answer prayers. Last Wednesday I just prayed and cried out to God while we were singing a beautiful song - "God is Here". I had a lot of burdens for friends that day and I laid them down that night to God. The song says "He will break the yoke and lift the heavy burdens". As we sang that song this morning I rejoiced in answered prayers. God is with us and ready to listen to us anytime we call on him. I recently heard a saying that I love; I would rather be in a storm with Jesus than anywhere else without him. God is here with us carrying us through every trial.

A fresh beginning.

This time of year brings such promise, excitement and energy as spring bursts forth. I love this time of year - it just gives me joy in the new beginnings of life in the flowering trees, the new grass beginning to turn green and the warm sunshine. I am realizing I missed much of this last year as my days were spent inside the NICU. I drove past the flowers, trees and grass with my mind intent on getting to Luke and home to Hogan and Sydney. As I took Hogan to Science Olympiad this weekend I realized that last year I dropped him off and hurried up to be with Luke. This was the time Luke was here on this earth, amidst the promise of new beginnings. It brings tears as well as joy to think he is in heaven where the excitement and energy of spring is probably always there.

Just before Luke was born, Sydney prayed to accept Jesus as her Savior and Lord. We waited for her to be baptized until last week. John Conrad baptized her and he also did Luke's funeral service. He shared with Sydney that last Sunday (March 1st) was St. David's day which is celebrated in Wales (our pastor is from there). It is celebrated with the wearing of a dafodil. We will always remember Sydney's "new birth" in Christ with the newness of spring in the dafodil.

It is easy to get caught up in the joy and sunshine until you turn on the news or talk to a friend. Then I am reminded of all the "stuff" of this world...finances, cancer, death, divorce, job-loss, storms...but in the midst of the dark things there is one rock we can cling to who can bring us a fresh new beginning no matter how dark our lives get.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 8:13

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalm 28:7

"Majestic"

That is just the only word I could think of as I looked at the breathtaking views we had each day of skiing. I just love the mountains and the snow. I really hope there are mountains in heaven. Only God could create somthing so spectacular. Of course, being the anniversary of Luke's birth he was on my mind so much last week. A really neat thing happened as we were renting our skiis. They have stickers on them where they write your name so you don't lose your skiis at the resort. The skiis the guy got out for me still had a name on the sticker and it was Luke. I had to take a picture so everyone could see. It was goood to be away and to be together. I did just fine until Saturday. On the plane home there were at least three babies. One sitting right behind us who was about my favorite age - 5 months old and a bald headed baby boy in a sweet little sleeper. Then we got home and some people came to look at our house ( we listed it on Craig's list to see what would happen because we want to move but are waiting for God's guidance)and they had a darling little 5 month old boy. Then Eric and I watched an old movie that was sad and had a baby in it. I ended the night in tears because there just seemed to be babies everywhere I turned that day. It really made me want a baby so badly even though I think God is closing that door for us. I felt much better having cried and press on with life.

Happy Birthday Luke!

We were talking last night about how long it seems since this time last year... the beginning of our short time with Luke here on earth. We are out skiing in Salt Lake City and enjoying some family time together. I'll post some pictures tomorrow! We are just thanking God for his goodness and blessings here in these beautiful mountains!

Where did January go?

I can't believe January is done. We have been doing the usual running the kids to karate, basketball, guitar, piano, broadway babies and church. I am feeling a little full of emotion at this time as I think back on last year. I was trying so hard to prepare for Luke. Trying to get the house ready, his things ready, mentally preparing to have a baby after quite a few years...if I had only known I would have sat down more with him and just cherished the moments while he was still inside me. Two neat things have happened this month. One day I received a letter from Scottish-Rite hospital where Luke was. They asked me to come share Luke's story at a lunch with hospital staff to let them know how our experience had gone. I hope to be able to share how God worked in us during that time too. Also that day I received an email from a lady who had come across our blog in following up on some of Luke's charts. She read his story and emailed me to say how thankful she was and how touched she was by what she read. Her 19 year-old son died last year in June just after Luke. God is still using his story. I continue to enjoy my time with two of Luke's nurses. Their friendships will always be special to me because they knew Luke and took care of him when I couldn't.

My friend Lynne shared this verse with me this week. 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."

I love that God does comfort us in our sufferings and gives us his words and our own stories of how he has worked in our lives so that we can help others in their sufferings.

Oh how they change!

When we were in Kansas City over Christmas we took the kids by Crown Center on the way home from the Plaza lights. They love to climb on these big wooden vehicles they have out by the ice rink. I was taking the pictures off my camera and went back a few years to some old climbing adventures. They have changed to much! Here are Caleb, Hogan, Sarah, Sydney and Ben - 2003 and 2008.

Laughter is the best medicine!

I have always heard that saying, but really lived it this week. We all headed to my mom's in Kansas City. Four adults, five kids, one dog and lots of chaos. We had food, movies, friends. loud music, games, food, toys, fighting, food, tv and lots of laughter. We always seem to laugh when we are together. Eric even said Rob's laugh sounded like my dad. We laughed over the kids, laughed at each other, laughed over cards and just had a lot of fun. It really lifted my spirits which hadn't been very merry. I am thankful God gave us humor and the ability to laugh. It just makes the world easier!

Blessings

I feel like I have been "running" for a week or two solid and I haven't even been to the gym! I have gotten so tied up with too many committments that I found myself very edgy today. I had absolutely NO "merry" in my Merry Christmas so I ran on to one more event, a concert at our church by a guy we all love to listen to. His name is JohnWaller and he talked tonight and sang about blessings. He told how he and his family had just spoken a blessing over their new son and then we sang that blessing. It made me think of all the ways God blesses us and how we need to ask him to bless us. We have received so many blessings this year. I know God blessed us so much through Luke's life. We continue to feel blessed to have so many friends and so much family but tonight I was reminded that we can also be a blessing to others and the way I was feeling today I definitely wasn't a blessing. It was so good to sit, listen, worship and connect with God and ask him to make me a blessing this year. I left with such a better attitude and a calmer heart. I pray this year I can slow down and remember to be a blessing.

Psalm 34:1 "I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips."

P.S. This is one of the pictures we took while trying to get a picture for our Christmas card - only the most photogenic one isn't looking right!

a lamb...

This week Sydney and I are in the Living Christmas Tree at our church. It is a big commitment (7 shows in 5 days) but always so rewarding. Sydney is just beside herself that she is finally in it. She is on the front row of the children's song and does her actions so well. She just loves to perform. She is also in the biblical part, but I haven't seen her yet since she chose to walk with her friends instead of her mom! She is SO independent at 7 years old.

Each night they put Jesus on the cross as we sing this beautiful song, "It took a Lamb". It just makes Jesus so real. First to see this innocent baby then seeing the same innocent man on the cross brings tears every night. It seems like I would get used to seeing it every night, but every night I find myself in tears. To think Jesus endured so much just to save each one of us is overwhelming. In the midst of all the hubub of the holiday season it is nice to have a visual reminder of the gift God gave us in his Son and the way he gave his life for us. I pray you will be blessed this Christmas season with some time to reflect on the gift of Jesus - an innocent lamb sacrificed so we can be forgiven.

Plugged In

There's an outlet in my bathroom at my Mom's house that when I plug in my hair straightener and try to use it, the plug always falls out. The connection is just loose from years of plugging things in and pulling plugs out. It is really frustrating when you want to keep your appliance plugged in and it keeps falling out. I was just sitting here listening to Mercy Me and thinking about God in that way. No matter how hard I try to stay "plugged in" sometimes I just get "pulled out" by life. I guess that is just a daily struggle in the world we live in (at least in mine!). I want my plug to stay in tight so that I am constantly plugged in to God. I pray often that he will fill me with such a desire for him that the earthly pulls can't make my connection loose. I am thankful that God desires a relationship with us and keeps pulling us back in when we fall out. He is just like that electricity - always on - just waiting for us to plug into him so he can fill us with his strength, spirit, power and love.

Ephesians 3:16-18 "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in you inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ."

Thirsty?

I can remember the two best Diet Cokes I have ever had. You may think this is weird, but if you know me I always have a drink near me. Usually Diet Coke, water or tea. My first (best) DC was in New York City after a LONG day of walking and sightseeing. I remember how thirsty I was as we walked into the hotel and how good that DC was. My second (best) DC was at the end of the second day of the Susan G. Komen 3-day 60 mile walk for breast cancer. My friends and I walked up a hill at the end the 23rd mile of the day and there at the top was a Quick Trip. Of course we detoured in for a much needed DC to quench our thirst. In a recent sermon the pastor talked about Matthew 5:13 where Jesus tells us we are the salt of the earth. The pastor talked about how salt made us feel - thirsty. (I know because Mexican food is salty and I always need more DC) He shared how we should make people thirsty for God if we are truly being the salt of the earth. Our very lives should make people thirsty so we can share how God can quench that thirst over and over again no matter how thirsty we get. He satisfies our thirst more than anything here on earth can. He is our living water. I want to be thirsty for God and I want to make others thirsty for more than Diet Coke!

I'm back...

Sorry it has been so long. I've let life get me too busy and we were gone a week on vacation! We have had a few monumental things happen. Hogan got all his hair cut off and Sydney has lost both her front teeth. Both of them look so different now! We had a great time as a family in Orlando. We did one day at Magic Kingdom, one day at Wet and Wild (where I screamed on most rides - they were crazy, scary slides!) and one day at the Nick Hotel (seriously overpriced room, but well worth watching the kids have so much fun. We even got slimed.) It was good to get away. I have also been able to get together with Luke's nurse from Scottish-Rite. It was really good to connect with her again, I enjoy her friendship. She was our weekend nurse and we became really close talking each Saturday and Sunday. I thank God that he gave me two friends in the nurses who took care of Luke. It is good to be able to talk to them since they knew Luke.

While in Tampa we went to church with Eric's sister. I loved their church and their pastor(http://www.idlewild.org/). He used a verse I loved. Micah 6:8 " And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." He talked about living compartmentalized lives - do we do or act certain ways around certain people or are we an open book, living for Jesus everday in all we do? Do we wear masks everyday and not just at Halloween? Does what we do on Friday match what we do on Sunday? God requires so little of us yet it can seem monumental in this earthly world. He just wants us to walk humbly with him. The pastor defined humbly or humility as total dependence on God. Walking with God through the big and the small in life, the good and the bad, the mountains and the valleys. We may not live perfect lives, but as believers we are forgiven in our walk with our God.

Broken

Well, I did it tonight. I broke my bowl. This idea all began from a blog I follow of another mother who lost a baby. Back in May my brother's family was here and I was reading the blog on my computer one night with Kirsten. This girl told how she had read in a grief book that it would be good therapy to break a piece of pottery. She felt led to break a pitcher one night and God really touched her as she put it back together... Of course, within the week my sister (in-law) Kirsten had bought me a bowl to break when I was ready, but I wasn't ready. I put it on the fridge in the laundry room and have looked at it often, but haven't felt the need to break it. Tonight I was overwhelmed as I lay sleepless in bed, praying, that I had to get up and break the bowl. With many tears, I sat outside and held the bowl for a long time. It was really pretty. It felt good to hold it whole, but I knew I needed to break it. Memories of Luke played in my head. I thanked God for his life and the journey we have gone through. Joy, tears, trust, faith, total surrender. I felt God saying "I need all of you - broken" - I thought of Jesus and how he gave his body to be broken on the cross for all of us - it was then that I could break the bowl. (Of course it didn't break when I threw it down and it made a really loud noise at 1a.m. so I went into the shop and used a hammer. Doesn't God always bring a smile in the midst of tears!) I picked up the pieces and carefully carried them inside. I began to glue them back together thinking of how God puts us back together. We may still bear the scars from our brokeness but we can be whole again. I love my bowl even more now. I know it is in the brokeness that God can flow through us and use us for His purpose. My bowl sits in my china cabinet now so I can see it daily and thank God for using us, taking care of us and most of all for loving us.

Psalm 147 :1-5 "Praise the Lord. How good to sing praises to our God! How delightful and how fitting...He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. He counts the stars and calls them all by name. How great is our Lord! His power is absolute! His understanding is beyond comprehension!"